Play House
by PaBurke
Summary: Don't you hate it when family drops by unannounced?
1. Chapter 1

Play House

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation, if you shouldn't be watching House, you shouldn't be reading this.

Word Count: 350

***

"Gregory! Damnit Greg, open up!"

Dr. Gregory House left his very pleasant dream involving Cuddy and silk and woke into a very unpleasant reality where someone was pounding on the door.

"Greg!"

The doctor fell off his couch and hit his bum leg. He cursed and staggered to the door.

"Gregory! Open up already!"

By now, Greg was awake enough to recognize the voice. He shouldn't be blamed for taking so long; after all, the voice belonged to a dead man.

"Gory!" And the only person to ever call him that.

Greg yanked open the door. A man stumbled through the doorway. "Don't the dead need to be invited in," Greg sniped.

"Hello to you too." He looked Iold/I. He forestalled any real conversation by pulling a boy of twelve through the door. "This is my… grandson. I need you to take care of him for a few days. Never take your eyes off him."

"I have work."

"It's important. If you don't take him, the next doctor to see him might very well be doing his autopsy."

"You were always melodramatic, Charles," Greg told his brother. "You're dropping the kid off with me while you what? Fly off into the wild blue yonder to save the day?"

Charles looked very worse for wear. Greg guessed that being dead could do that to a guy, even someone in the Air Force. Yes, Charles had followed dear old dad's footsteps. Even a doctor couldn't compete against the perfect child. "Go ahead," Charles said. "Take him to work. He's smart enough to keep up with you."

"Like you could?" Greg leaned on his cane.

Charles finally smiled. "He's better. He could do your job and mine and it might not exercise his brain enough to make him wake up." He ruffled the boy's hair. The boy looked rather calm for being dropped off at a perfect stranger's house in the middle of the night. "Greg, this is Jarod Junior. Jarod, this is your Uncle Greg. Be good."

The boy nodded solemnly. Then Charles was gone and Greg was left behind as always.

*


	2. Chapter 2

Play House II

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 400

***

Dr. Gregory House stared out at the night. His brother had disappeared into the dark shadows. It was as if Charles hadn't been there. It had all been a dream.

It was a dream. Really.

The boy didn't speak; he just stood and waited. He watched Greg closely.

"What?" Greg asked. "Nothing from the teen? This is a perfect opportunity to have an excusable teenage snark."

Jarod tilted his head, his eyes curious. Greg knew those eyes. They belonged to his mother. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why should I… snark?"

"You have just been dropped off at a stranger's house. That's a good reason to get upset."

The boy shrugged. "You have just as good a reason. You have had a previously unknown relative… dumped on you. You have discovered that your brother is alive. Your emotions," the boy grinned slightly, "such as they are- are in a riotous condition. You too have excuses to be uncouth."

Greg couldn't help it, he barked out a laugh. "I'm always uncouth. I don't need a bad night to make me worse."

"So noted."

"So noted?"

The boy looked around. "Where would you have me sleep?"

Greg grumbled and limped back to the couch. He proceeded to clean away his junk. "Here." He turned around and the boy was reading the label on Greg's medicine bottle. Greg held out his hand. Jarod obediently put the orange plastic container into Greg's palm.

The boy silently arranged his duffle bag under the coffee table and sat on the couch.

"For you to be a junior, I'm guessing that Jarod Senior is alive and found."

"Yes and lost again."

Greg grunted. So maybe his brother Charles did have a worse life: losing both of his boys had to be horrible, not to mention his wife. He was glad that Charles hadn't kept his mother updated on his life. It was better she thought that Charles and his family were dead. "Are you hungry?"

"No thank you, sir."

"Thirsty?"

"No, sir."

"Call me Greg."

"Not Uncle Greg?"

"Whatever." Greg lunged toward his bedroom.

"That's a lot of pain management," the boy said.

Greg turned around glaring. He wasn't too surprised that the boy knew what Vicodin was; Jarod Senior had always been super smart too. "I have a lot of pain."

The boy held his steamed gaze steadily as he nodded. "I imagine so."

"Anything else?"

"No, sir."

*


	3. Chapter 3

Play House III

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 200

***

It was an odd morning. It had started normal enough; Cuddy called to tell him that he was an hour late for the clinic. He hadn't even moved; just let the machine get it.

"Sir?" a hesitant voice asked.

Gregory House jerked and looked at his doorway. The boy, Jarod, stood there. Last night had not been a dream. Perfect Charles was still out there and screwing up his life. Greg grunted.

He could still hear the boy whisper. "Would you like me to answer the phone and make your regrets?"

Greg chuckled to himself. That would be a good prank, making Cuddy think that he had changed his number. "She hung up already."

"She seems to be the type to persist."

Greg stared at the boy. "Good analysis. She'll call again in seventeen minutes, less if she finds a case she thinks will tempt me in."

The boy nodded.

"Have you eaten?"

"No, sir."

"Greg," the doctor corrected absently. "You can eat anything in the kitchen." He dropped his head onto the pillow. "Within reason!" he warned the child. He wasn't too worried. Jarod seemed the obedient, smart, good-natured type, even as a teen.

Just like his damned grandfather.

*


	4. Chapter 4

Play House IV

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 200

***

House was lucky. They had managed to sneak into his office Iwithout/I Cuddy knowing. A few nurses had seen the boy, but they had presumed that he was a new case. Greg hoped to get through the day without Cuddy seeing the boy. He wanted Jarod to throw her off the scent tomorrow morning.

The ducklings were waiting for him. They all looked at him, at Jarod and then back at Greg.

Greg delighted in ignoring them. "Fridge," he pointed to the appliance. "Chair. Books. Make yourself comfortable," he told the boy. The boy obediently put his sack lunch in the refrigerator, found an 'interesting' book from Greg's shelf and sat in the out-of-the-way chair.

The ducklings looked slightly shocked. Cameron was predictably compassionate. Chase eyed the boy for signs and symptoms. Foreman watched Greg.

"Aren't you going to introduce us?" Cameron chided.

Greg rolled his eyes. "Jarod, this is Cameron, Chase, Foreman. What's our case?"

Jarod politely stood and nodded to each doctor in turn. His team was shocked and had a hard time shifting gears. They kept glancing at Jarod as they explained the newest case. Jarod seemed to be absorbed in his book.

This might just work.

*


	5. Chapter 5

Play House V

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 200

***

Silence.

Absolute silence, except from the normal hospital noises from the hall. Each and every one of the doctors were staring at Jarod, Greg included. Cameron's mouth was hanging open. Chase looked vaguely triumphant, as if he had expected as much. When Charles had warned that the boy was smart, Greg had not expected him to be this smart.

The boy met down Greg's stare. He firmly held himself, as if he was afraid of making some sort of body language that would translate his fear. He had set aside the hot chocolate that Cameron had given the kid behind Greg's back. Ripples in the cup would be easy to notice. He had set aside the med school textbook on allergies, so that he could stand to face the criticism.

"Any arguments with Jarod's diagnosis?" Greg asked the team.

They shook their heads wordlessly.

"Well? What are you waiting for? Go test!"

In their shock, they were easier to command. Greg waited until they had filed out of the room. He pointed at Jarod. "You and I are going to have a talk about your education."

"Yes, sir."

"But not now. Now, we have an old lady to keep alive."

*


	6. Chapter 6

Play House VI

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 100

***

It was the beige fabric that first caught his attention. It was stuffed behind a bunch of reference books in a far cupboard. He yanked it out and some plastic fell to the floor. The fabric was a child-sized smock normally given to patients in the children wards.

Why on earth was it in his office? Greg House looked to the floor and found the patient ID bracelets. Patient: Jarod, no last name. Doctor: Gregory House.

The sneaky, little bastard-nephew was messing around with the hospital staff and using Ihis/I name and reputation without telling him.

Greg was so proud!

*


	7. Chapter 7

Play House VII

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 200

***

Greg watched.

The boy was good. Appearances indicated he was always in the office reading. The smock and ID bracelets hadn't moved from their hiding place –or so it seemed. None of the staff had approached Greg about a patient of his in areas that he didn't belong. On the rare times that Jarod was not in the office, he walked in wiping his hands on his pants like any boy after using the bathroom.

He was quiet and offered nothing more to the conferences occurring around him. Cameron worried about him, but Greg was pretty sure that Jarod wasn't taking advantage of her kindness. They and Chase went down to the cafeteria together. He was very curious about Jarod's education, about which the boy had resisted discussing. Greg wasn't sure if the boy lied to him or not. With most people, Greg automatically assumed that they were lying about Isomething/I. With Jarod, Greg had to take into account his family. Jarod could be telling the truth about never stepping foot into a school. For once, Greg wanted to talk to Charles.

What was the boy up to? Would Greg find out before Charles snatched his new favorite puzzle away?

*


	8. Chapter 8

Play House VIII

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 250

***

House was returning to his office after releasing another successfully treated patient. His grand-nephew had called it. He turned on the light and Wilson was waiting for him looking rather… hurt.

One of his team must have told Wilson that Jarod called him 'Uncle.'

"Wilson," Greg greeted. "Don't you have an over abundance of patients that need your personal touch?"

Wilson was temporarily side-tracked and smiled. "Actually, three different patients will be released this week with the cancer in remission. It's a good week for us."

Greg growled. "I'm sure that there are other sick people you could bother."

"None of them is a friend who pretends to be an only child."

He limped to the middle of the room and puttered a moment or two. Finally, Greg sat in the chair across the desk. "That might be the only lie my dad participates in. Mom died a little each time Charles was mentioned. So we stopped talking about him."

Wilson leaned back, listening intently. "What happened?"

"Charles was older. Perfect. Followed the old man into the Air Force. Climbed up the ranks, got married, had the perfect wife, two boys and a picket fence."

Wilson was still waiting.

Greg still remembered the first turning point vividly. "Then the older one was stolen. Gone. No trace. Next, went the house and the picket fence. All presumed dead." Greg grumbled a bit. "Then Charles decided to screw things up again. He appeared on my doorstep and foisted the boy onto me."

*


	9. Chapter 9

Play House IX

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 300

***

When his normal snide remarks failed to get the normal rise out of Cuddy, House high-tailed it to Wilson's office. "Does Cuddy have a new fuck-buddy?" he asked.

Wilson spit the mouthful of water onto his desk. "House. Kindly be crude when I'm not drinking anything."

House peaked out the blinds of Wilson's office to spy on his supervisor. "She is way too cheerful."

Wilson slowed in mopping up the mess.

"You know," House pounced. "Why is she cheerful? What's the gossip?"

"She might be replacing you."

House laughed out loud at that. Then he realized that Wilson wasn't even smirking at his own joke. "There's no one who would take the job, who's good enough."

"There's a new doctor in ER."

House laughed again. "ER docs just know enough to keep their patients alive long enough to pass the case off to a diagnostic doctor, namely me." House was starting to relax.

Wilson merely closed the medical file on his desk and handed it over. House almost ignored it disdainfully, but his curiosity got the better of him. Two minutes later, he was snarling about how 'the case should have been handed over his team immediately.' Five minutes after that, House had to concede that the doctor had done an excellent job diagnosing. "Lucky shot," he muttered. "Probably did a paper on it way back when."

Wilson shrugged. "According to his transcripts, he concentrated on both emergency and diagnostic medicine."

"I'll have to check out this guy's previous postings." Better to deep-six his competition before the other got had advantage. House hobbled to the door.

"I heard him tell Cuddy that he'd enjoy working the Free Clinic."

"He's a liar," House barked back.

"Not if you look at all the different cases he's taken in the ER," Wilson countered.

*


	10. Chapter 10

Play House X

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 200

***

Gregory House bluffed his way passed the secretaries in Records and started searching though the medical files. The ER doctor Ihad/I handled a number of difficult cases correctly. He Ihad/I dealt with stupid people and retained his 'excellent bedside manner and compassion for his patients.'

No wonder Cuddy was drooling over him.

He was simply too good to be true.

He hadn't even had an affair with any of the nurses and Nurse Dorsett of the ER was infamous for jumping every new doctor that crossed her path. Someone as young and good looking as Pasteur would have been hounded by Dorsett. Rumor had it that Pasteur had a genuine French accent, slight but there.

Genuine, his ass.

House pulled another patient file and stared. Pasteur had gotten a Vietnamese man who had odd symptoms and a very limited English vocabulary. Pasteur had taken the patient history himself to discover the problem; the man was fluent in that language as well.

House put the files away and hobbled to his office to think. He needed to do a background check and find out what was wrong with this Pasteur guy before Cuddy had an excuse to upgrade her diagnostic doctor.

*


	11. Chapter 11

Play House XI

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 100

***

"May I help?"

Gregory House jumped in his chair and whirled to glare at the owner of the soft-spoken voice. It was a lost cause. Jarod stood there transfixed with the information on the monitor. House had forgotten about his grand-nephew. The boy had been so quiet and the doctor too absorbed; Greg didn't know if the brat had been masquerading as a patient again.

"Like you can hack Med School transcripts?"

The boy smiled slyly. "Yes, actually."

Greg thought about it. He had burned too many bridges to just call up people and verify Pasteur's records.

"Have at it."

*


	12. Chapter 12

Play House XII

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 100

***

Jarod was good.

No two ways about it.

He had found and printed out school transcripts going back to elementary school, well, primary school considering Pasteur had started his education in France. Jarod had found the INS records for the whole family and the transferred credits.

There was other information and each time House entered his office, the stack of papers concerning Pasteur had grown.

One part of House whispered that what Jarod was doing was illegal and he shouldn't involve the boy in his battles. House had ignored his conscience for decades, he wasn't about to start listening now.

*


	13. Chapter 13

Play House XIII

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 130

***

"…And this is the office for the Diagnostic Team," Cuddy walked in with a young, whole man, sounding like a real estate agent.

Damnit! House wasn't ready yet. He hadn't found any faults and Pasteur had to have faults. Everyone had faults, didn't they?

Pasteur nodded to House and then each of House's team in turn. He spied Jarod, where Cuddy hadn't yet. There was a brief moment of surprise in Pasteur's eyes and then pure joy. House quickly changed his gaze to look at Jarod. The same joy was reflected there before the boy stuck his nose into the textbook.

"Traitor," House muttered.

A flicker of a smile disappeared on the boy's face. There was something going on, but House wasn't going to pursue it in front of everyone.

*


	14. Chapter 14

Play House XIV

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 100

***

Pasteur deflected each and every one of Cuddy's hints. To the uninformed, it looked like Pasteur wasn't even aware that Cuddy was offering the new doctor the Diagnostic position. Cameron, Chase and Foreman were aware of the undercurrents. Then Pasteur's ER pager beeped and the conscientious doctor rushed out. Cuddy, looking distinctly annoyed, followed him out the door without speaking to the diagnostic team.

House sent all three doctors on 'mercy-missions' to find cases within the free clinic. After they left, House rounded his great-nephew.

"Jarod."

"Yes, Uncle Greg?"

"Is there something you should have told me?"

A pause. "Nope."

*


	15. Chapter 15

Play House XV

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 100

***

House came back with the Chinese take-out, grumbling about houseguests who didn't see him coming and didn't open the door for the host with the very full hands. He cursed and grunted and finally opened the door without spilling any of the food, or dropping his cane. He limped inside and into the living room.

He was met by an unexpected sight: his nephew and Pasteur were hunched over a laptop talking… Mandarin?

"Jarod?"

Identical eyes smiled at him, heads tilted at identical angles, hands continued typing in identical rhythms.

Just how dumb was he?

"Hi, Uncle Greg," they chorused.

*


	16. Chapter 16

Play House XVI

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 100

A/N: I suck. Character death that even I didn't know was coming.

***

"Jarod House and Jarod House, Junior." The elder and the younger threw him a grin at their name but continued working with the same intense focus and dedication.

How had he missed this before?

Most Americans would eat Chinese with a fork when they were multitasking, but not these two. No, they used chopsticks and they were equally adept with them in their right or left hands. Greg watched them. They were mirror images of each other. Why? The explanations flitting through his head were stolen from General Hospital's plots.

"When is Major Charles going to join us?"

"He's dead."

*


	17. Chapter 17

Play House XVII

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 100

***

"He's dead."

Sucker punch. No air. Shock. It was reminiscent of when he had gotten news about the house with the white picket fence burning down, and when he had heard Charles' voice again.

"Are you sure?" He couldn't help asking. "Chuck's good at playing possum. He's done it once before."

"Thrice," Jarod elder corrected.

"Four times," the younger one corrected him.

Adult Jarod finally nodded. "Mostly sure. He saved Ethan and Emily. Emily saw the bullets in the bare chest but had to leave the body behind to get Ethan to safety. We don't know where it is now."

*


	18. Chapter 18

Play House XVIII

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 100

***

Greg accepted all the facts at face value; Charles was dead from playing hero. "Who's Emily?"

"Our younger sister."

"Ethan?"

"An even younger brother. Dad's sperm was implanted into a woman. He has problems."

"Physical?"

"Psychological."

"Hey, whatever happened to Kyle?"

"He's dead."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I saw to it that his heart was placed in a boy who needed it."

"Yet another altruistic House. Are there any more characters I should know about in this dysfunctional family?"

Jarod and Jarod looked at each other, grinned and then chorused, "no."

"Where's Junior's mom?"

"Dead."

House was sensing a theme.

*


	19. Chapter 19

Play House XIX

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 200

***

Life settled. Jarod Senior moved in with Junior and Greg and the three of them worked around one another. Junior went to work with Greg. He would read whatever Senior and Greg put in front of him, be it engineering, languages or medical. He seemed to understand the complexities of each and he seemed to enjoy the challenge. This was a plus since Cameron had been making noises about advanced schools and social interactions with children his own age.

Each of the House family disagreed in their own way and she had backed off at the moment.

If there was one thing that united all three of the family, it was their enjoyment of challenges. Junior made use of his child's smock, but House never caught him at it.

Junior kept notes in a regular-sized, grey three-ring binder. Senior kept notes in a little, red spiral notebook. Sometimes they would trade for a day, but they would never let House read them and they never left the binders out, unattended.

House wasn't sure if they were getting revenge for calling them Junior and Senior, respectively, (they hated that) or if they had secrets that they weren't willing to lie about.

*


	20. Chapter 20

Play House XX

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 200

***

Jarod Senior sat in House's chair. He looked much too serious. Junior stood at his side, sober and solemn. Most of the time, these two had identical twinkling eyes.

"It can't be that bad," House said.

Jarod (Senior) spoke. "The people that kidnapped me are closing in. We need to know if you are willing to keep Jarod for a while. If you'll take the risks to keep him safe."

"What? Letting you free-load for a while wasn't enough?" House sniped. "Now you want to off-load?"

Junior looked horribly dejected. "I told you," he mumbled.

Senior shrugged. "You must divorce yourself from the situation, Jarod. Look at him as a manipulator would."

House forced himself not to fidget as the boy eyed him. He saw the moment of realization before the kid spoke. "We surprised him and scared him when we thought he was capable of the responsibility."

"Hey!" the (real) doctor cried. "It takes more that a dejected look and an insinuation of insult to get me to cave. You two are messing up my sex life."

Junior grinned as only a teen could. "You mean prostitutes in the apartment are abnormal?"

Senior snickered. House grumbled.

This was family.

*


	21. Chapter 21

Play House XXI

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 200

***

Since the decision had been made that Junior and Senior would stay together on their merry, little trips, House decided it was safe to ask some real questions. "You really would have left an impressionable kid with a **narcissistic**, narcotic addict like me?"

Senior smiled slightly and House was worried. "You didn't. There's no way…" House grabbed his nearest Vicodin prescription bottle and checked the contents. They sure looked like they were the real deal.

Junior pulled out a multi-pill mold machine from his pack and set it on the desk. House could tell from here that it would make little white pills that resembled Vicodin. "The hardest part was finding all your hidden stashes. It was fun; as was the formulating, and the mixing and molding part. We had to take you down in increments that you wouldn't notice. We supplemented your food intake so that you wouldn't notice your body detox-ing."

House remembered the 'Bad Sushi Night.' He remembered the tea that had been forced on him by a nephew's emotional blackmail. He wondered if they had predicted the amount of alcohol he had added to each glass. Who had been playing who all along?

This was family.

*


	22. Chapter 22

Play House XXII

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 220

***

"They tricked me!" House was snarling in indignation before he slammed the door behind him.

Wilson wasn't sure he could enjoy this yet. "Define 'They'."

"Junior and Senior." House waved at the door. "They tricked me."

Wilson was the only person who knew that 'Pasteur' was really 'Jarod House, Senior.' Everyone else knew that the kind, new ER doctor liked to spend a lot of time with the mean, ol' gimp of a diagnostician. "How did they trick you?"

"They weaned me off my drugs without letting me know."

Wilson's jaw dropped. "You're off Vicodin?"

"Mostly. They say that I'm down to a quarter of my usage, but I don't believe them. They're liars. Liars!"

"I have noticed that you're not popping as many during the day, which means that you could be down even further."

House growled at Wilson. "Don't you dare take their side."

Wilson had to laugh. "So you're telling me that you are complaining for having the easiest detox experience ever?"

"The Bad Sushi Night was not easy!"

"That was one night," Wilson countered. "And they threw up with you!"

"I didn't ask them to lower my addiction. I didn't ask them to intervene. They didn't need to do anything, let alone throw up perfectly good sushi," said House.

"But that's what you get with family!"

*


	23. Chapter 23

Play House XXIII

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 3 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 200

***

House pouted and grumbled for a while in Wilson's office. Wilson had a hard time keeping a straight face. He knew that if he burst out laughing as he dearly wanted to do, he wouldn't hear the whole story. "It does explain all the cases you've been solving without yelling anybody," Wilson mused.

"Wilson!" House couldn't argue too much, since Jarod I and Jarod II had solved most of the recent cases, but if he admitted it, all the great leaps of logic that he'd been claiming as his own would be dragged back up. The Jarods were perfectly agreeable to letting their uncle take all the credit. How had they managed to get all the brains and none of the House ego? Why were they humble? Had someone urged them to be subtle and sneaky? Had Senior warned Cuddy to keep an eye on him throughout his detox period?

"Do you think Cuddy knows?" House asked.

"She would have told me," Wilson reasoned.

"True." House feigned a happy face. "The anti-depressants in my coffee wouldn't have mixed well with what the pint-sized doctor ordered."

Boy, the Jarods were a lot sneakier than he had first given them credit for.

*


	24. Chapter 24

Play House XXIV

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 200

***

"It's a good thing they're leaving."

Wilson reacted predictably to that little bomb. "Surely, you're not throwing them out for reducing your addiction?"

"Why shouldn't I?" House retorted. "They stole drugs, lied to me. They made me sick as a dog. They stole my food. They free-loaded at my place. Why the hell should I let them stay?"

"'Cause they're just like you?" Wilson dead-panned.

"That's another reason to toss them on the street: they're manipulative."

"House!" Wilson sputtered for a moment. "You're happy with them with you. It's more than the lack of pain and drugs. You played several pranks on Cuddy, your assistants… hell, the Green Eggs and Ham that was in the cafeteria last week had to have originated in your household."

House remembered the pranks, some of which still hadn't been sprung.

"See," Wilson pointed at House. "You're smiling. You're happy and Inot/I on anti-depressants. You told me that you and the Jarods were thinking about starting a band. You need your family -at least this part of your family- around you. Talk them into staying."

House dragged himself to his feet. "Next thing you know, they'll be watering down my whiskey. Hell. No. They're leaving."

*


	25. Chapter 25

Play House XXV

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 300

***

Jarod Senior sat his bags down and gazed around the apartment fondly.

"Anything you left behind would be on the floor, not the ceiling," House sniped.

Senior only shrugged. "This is the longest I've stayed in one place since... I'll miss it."

"The longest?" House hated change. He still had the guitar he'd been given at the age of eight and he preferred it to his new one. He hated moving even more.

"They believe we belong to them," Junior said.

House paid attention. "They're coming here?"

"Six hours," Senior replied. "We'll be well over the Atlantic before they land."

"Isn't that cutting it close?"

Junior smirked at the chink in his armor. "Worried?"

"Yeah, that they'll take me as a consolation prize."

"You're too old," Junior teased.

Senior, at least, thought about it. "He does have the right blood type and they could find uses for his sperm."

"They'd send a prostitute to obtain that," Junior countered.

Senior nodded. "That would be the easiest. They'd have to set off a bomb in the hospital to keep Cuddy from kicking up a fuss if he disappeared."

It scared House how calm the two were seriously discussing the probable actions of their kidnappers. "I'm safe?"

Junior shrugged. "As long as you don't change jobs; they'd nab you in transit. We'd prefer if you abstained from prostitutes for a while. We don't want to have to rescue a test-tube cousin."

"Is that what you are?" House finally asked the question he's been dying to know. "Emily? Ethan?"

"Emily's all-natural," Senior answered.

House heard what they did not say. He grinned. "My family could be more interesting than any on General Hospital."

"Just don't sleep with Miss Parker," said Junior.

"We don't want the family tree to get any more interesting," Senior finished.

*


	26. Chapter 26

Play House XXVI

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 235

***

House drove them to the airport, or rather, he had Junior as his passenger on his motorcycle as Senior followed in the rental. It made it so that there were no awkward conversations. Greg hated saying good-bye and from the way that Junior was holding on, he didn't want to go either.

For a half-second, Greg considered letting Junior stay with him. He quickly dismissed the idea. Cuddy, Cameron and Wilson would insist on schooling and when he didn't, they'd call Social Services. That wouldn't work at all. Greg would miss the all-night jam sessions; him on the guitar, Junior on the piano and Senior on whatever instrument that he had rented from the music store that night. The night Senior had brought home bagpipes had been interesting.

He would miss the cooking and the harmless manipulating. He knew that the Jarods had left behind presents hidden in the house, Greg didn't know what or where. It would be fun countering the long-distance manipulating. Greg did know that Senior had sat down with Wilson and discussed the Vicodin. Greg had considered going straight back on Vicoden just to be perverse, but remembered that the people who had manipulated his brother's family out of existence and his brother out of life were coming his way.

Greg would stay clear headed for a while.

He had his own skin –okay, and that of his family- to protect.

*


	27. Chapter 27

Play House XXVII

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 300

***

Miss Parker was totally hot. And she knew it. She was confident, manipulative, a real go-getter bitch extraordinaire. In any other context, House would have flirted horribly with her, with the fully expressed goal of getting in her pants. He still was tempted.

He eyed the tight business suit, the high skirt slit and the plunging neckline. She had a nicotine addiction and she normally carried a gun. She was like Cuddy rolled in Vicodin, addicting as hell and just as detrimental to his cognitive abilities. He could tell by just looking.

So his type.

He was so tempted.

The funny part was that she was also Jarod Senior's type. He wondered what Jarod saw in her. Jarod couldn't be all good if Miss Parker was his first love and enduring crush. And then there was Junior's mention of respecting Parker's maternal instincts.

Ha! If she were anything like how the Jarods had described her, they wouldn't have hopped a plane to Brazil to escape her.

So House locked Chase –the opportunist little bastard- and Wilson –the best friend who knew too many secrets and couldn't lie convincingly- in a closet. He sat in his office and watched Parker and Cuddy square up. He drooled and admired from a distance. Cuddy won in the end; after all, Parker was trying to abduct and cage a grown man.

Parker stalked away, the two men flanking her. Gregory House wandered into the lobby at that time. He said, "How about a rematch? Next time, it can be in a mud pit," loud enough for Parker to hear him. She and Cuddy glared in identical ways.

House was happy. His family was safely away and their pursuers had no leads.

He'd wait an hour before letting the doctors out of the closet, though.

*


	28. Chapter 28

Play House XXVIII

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 300

***

"I can't believe they had time for this," House muttered.

Wilson agreed with an incoherent grunt. He was reading Junior's grey, three ring binder and House was pouring over Senior's little red book. He couldn't believe that Jarod had the time –or the interest- to stop a corrupt politician, a rapist and a drug ring while he was on duty as an ER doc. I mean, why bother with the politician? Senior gave new meaning to the term multi-tasker.

"Did you read this?" Wilson finally asked.

House turned a page to find even more Jarod meddling reported as anonymous work by the newspaper. "Not yet. Information I dragged from Senior hinted that his had further reaching consequences."

Wilson chuckled soberly. "We have mentioned your family's ability to make you do whatever they want you to, right Uncle Gory?"

House dropped his book. "Damn. I had hoped that Junior had missed that nickname. Did he expose some Congressional flaw?"

"Nope. Junior's was entirely about this hospital."

House grinned. "Did he get into Cuddy's files?"

"No. Mine."

House snorted. "That's boring. There's nothing in there but who's-dying-of-what."

Wilson frowned at the insinuation that House had been-there and done-that. "Or who should be dying but isn't now."

"He's been treating your patients?" House laughed. "More over Dougie Houser, House is in 'da House. I assume those are the ones that've been going home."

Wilson shook his head. "For the most part. But he used a number of treatments that are illegal or not yet approved in the United States."

"And you're complaining."

"It's not covered by insurance. If something went wrong, the malpractice would be through the roof."

"Yes," House sniped. "We should be worried about people suing about surviving."

"You should be," responded Wilson. "He signed your initials to most of these."

*


	29. Chapter 29

Play House XXIX

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 200

***

"Lots of anonymous sources in the newspaper recently," Wilson said as he dropped the Sunday Times on House's desk.

House grunted. "The holidays bring out idiots. Random Acts of Kindness and rot."

"Oh? You got tagged with a random act?"

"Tagged, alright. Someone decked out the front of my home. Blinking lights, wreaths, everything." House glared at the fellow doctor. "Stop laughing. They did the entire block. It was picture perfect."

"Which you couldn't allow; so what did you do?"

"I hired a boy to take it all down and take it away."

Wilson sat down and adjusted himself in the chair across from House. "Of course, you didn't even pay minimum wage for it."

"He didn't barter me up."

"What did he do with the decorations?" asked Wilson.

"Don't know. Don't care. If he's smart, he'll go sell it for the cash."

Wilson eyed his friend. "So what did he do with it?"

House grumbled and reluctantly admitted, "Took it home to cheer up his family."

Wilson considered it all. "Do you think they predicted your response?"

"Yes," hissed House. "I figured it out as I was coming in and passed the boy's house, but I can't undo it."

*


	30. Chapter 30

Play House XXX

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.)

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating: PG for language and sexual insinuation

Word Count: 150

***

House and Wilson sat in the diagnostic office. They were among the few doctors on duty on Christmas day. They had made the rounds and all the nurses knew where they could be found. They didn't talk much and what conversation they did make, had no reference to the current holiday or to the subject of family.

Or it hadn't, until Wilson spoke. "They could be waiting for you at home."

"Nope," House refuted. "Junior and Senior are much smarter than that. They know that I won't be there."

A movement out of the corner of their eyes and both turned to look into the other part of the diagnostic office. Junior and Senior, dressed in the garb of the Christmas catering agency, were setting up a full dinner complete with presents.

Wilson laughed at House. "Yep. They are smarter than that. But then, it's your family."

House couldn't argue.

*

Ifin/I

*


	31. Chapter 31

Play House Epilogue

By PaBurke

Spoilers: All of Pretender, Season 2 of House (that's all that's on DVD.), the thirty chapters of the "Play House' storyline.

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and no money is being made.

Distribution: The Nook

Rating/Warnings: PG-15 for language and sexual insinuation, if you shouldn't be watching House, you shouldn't be reading this. This one is definitely grosser than the rest of the series I wrote. I have a really morbid sense of humor sometimes. (You probably shouldn't be eating anything while reading this.) My beta thinks that I should included a stronger 'Squick' warning, but I was mostly vague.

Word Count: 550

***

"House!" Cuddy stomped into the diagnostic office in full fury. She was mad as hell, dressed to kill and she had her crosshairs focused on Doctor Gregory House.

It was quite sexy.

House had to grin as he responded to her. "Yes?"

"You said that the Christmas caterers were excellent."

"I grudgingly admitted that the food was above average," House argued.

Cuddy reached over and grabbed his sleeve and dragged him to his feet. She offered his cane and didn't give him any choice but to follow along. "I assumed that meant that the food was really good, so I hired them."

House schooled his features into something bland. "You hired them again?" How did she even get in touch with them? The boys were still supposed to be hiding in Brazil, vainly doing good and fighting corruption.

"For the fundraiser tonight, which you were already supposed to be attending."

If he had known that Cuddy had hired his nephew and grand-nephew for the food, he would have shown up earlier. Obviously the Jarods had avoided being seen by any of the staff or Cuddy would have mentioned that. They must have considered Cuddy's job too good to pass up, no matter the risks. What had they done to get her dander up?

Cuddy stopped at the dinning hall entrance and shoved House toward the food.

Or what was supposed to be the food. An adult Caucasian male, opened for autopsy, lay there. Even the top of his head was sawed off so that the doctors could see the grey matter inside. Dr. Lane, the hospital's night coroner, poked inside the opened chest with a toothpick and stabbed something. He brought it to his mouth and ate it.

Then he grinned. "Tofu," Lane announced.

House burst out laughing.

The Jarods had created an edible corpse!

Dr. Lane had added himself to the few doctors that House grudgingly liked. Other doctors were hovered around the 'food' and poking and awing about the artistry that had created it, but few were actually trying out the parts of the body.

"You didn't know," Cuddy realized.

House ignored her and limped to the side of the 'corpse.' He pushed his way through the crowd and it obligingly parted for him. He shared a grin with Dr. Lane and picked up a toothpick. He poked at the (very realistic) eye, but the pick slid to the side. House tapped it a couple times. Then he pried the eye out (it was attached with some realistic type of blood vessels and nerves) and popped it into his mouth.

"Well?" asked Lane.

"Hard candy. Peppermint."

"Well, they are green eyes," murmured an intern.

House laughed again. He looked around. Most of the Big Bucks People were on the other side of the room, eating the 'normal' food and blatantly ignoring the 'dead body.'

House knew where he was staying for the rest of the night. Wilson showed up at his elbow and shook his head. "If I didn't know that they were related to you before," he whispered. "I'd most certainly know now."

House cut a piece of brain out and popped it into his mouth. Some sort of seasoned and moist rice cake, he guessed. It still tasted good. "My family is the greatest," House bragged.

*


End file.
